Those that know me, know that the past year hasn't really been my greatest. Hell, I can't recall a time that I have actually felt 'great' in the last five to six years, but last year I hit one of my worst rock bottoms so far. Some of you may know why, some of you don't, but that is a though subject that I am not here to share about, at least not yet. What I am here to tell you about is the fact that right now, I am happy. Or at least the happiest I have been in a really, really long time.
I have gotten rid of the toxic people in my life, some of whom I thought I would share the rest of my life with, but here I am. Happier than I was with them. To me, that was the beauty of finding my self worth. And as my ways of expressing it are quite upfront, some might think I am an enormous bitch - which I am not here to deny - but I am not afraid to stand for myself or the people I care about and everybody knows that by now.
I even graduated high school. Which was a miracle that no one, not even my family, thought would happen. I got a job that I actually like and I got some new hobbies that I truly enjoy. I got back to dancing, whether it's the routine of going clubbing (whether drinking or not) every weekend just to dance my ass off or the fact that I actually started dancing lessons once again. Dancing is something that makes me the happiest girl on this planet from time to time, whether I suck at it or not is a subject for another time.
But most importantly what makes me happy is the people I have been lucky enough to surround myself with. For once in my life I have people that actually accept and even love me for the person that I am. They accept my craziness and loudness without judging me, they stand by me at my best and at my worst, they don't try to gain anything from me nor do they try to change me. They're not ashamed to be my friend. They make me happy to be alive.
But as I have said the former sentence, I need to also put in words just how scared it makes me. I am scared to be happy. Because just as I said, life has its own balance between the good and the bad. Which is why I'm terrified out of my mind for whatever is the bad that is coming for me. I am scared that someone I love will get hurt, I am scared that I will mess up at pretty much anything I do, I am scared that one of those people that I owe my happiness to actually realizes that they don't want me around anymore and turn against me, I am scared that I will ruin any of those friendships once again. I am terrified out of my mind by any and every possible situation that might go wrong.
I am beyond anxious and scared of getting hurt once again after life has for once been good that it makes me scared to even live it.
